It's here! My new book: The Cork Jester's Guide to Wine
Visit my website: www.corkjester.com
I Need You!
Flattery will get you somewhere, I hope
Week after week, you read my cracked ramblings. Things like:
Do not pronounce Sauvignon Blanc
Like it rhymes with ker-bonk, honk or wonk
Leave the C in your craw
And say Sauvignon Blaw
Or just order a glass of white plonk
And:
Negoçiant Georges de la Bœuf
Bottles Beaujolais bought in the rœuf
French to the cœur
He’s got mamzelles galœur
And a small Pekinese that goes “wœuf.”
You cheer me on when the word fairy deserts me. You pounce on every error and teach me so much! You're smart, educated and involved.
Now, I need your help!!
But first, let me announce the official birth of my new book:
The Cork Jester’s Guide to Wine
One pound
Eight by five inches
Its mother’s wise-ass attitude
Learn how to:
Get red wine out of white carpet
Bring the sommelier to his knees
Be
treated like God at the winery
Discover:
If wine makes you fat
What to drink when you need a spanking
And tons more
Robert Parker, Jr:
"I like her book and attitude...very funny and good common sense about wine."
Gloria Steinem:
"For anyone who's put off by pretentious smartass wine experts, Jennifer Rosen's book is the answer. Whether you've saved the label from every wine you've ever drunk or secretly prefer Vernor's Ginger ale, her rollicking, practical guide will be a joy."
Bob Guccione, Jr.:
"An amazing writer. I love her columns. Brilliantly written, edgy viniferal-infused prose. I'm a total fan."
Darryl Roberts, Publisher, Wine X magazine:
I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats."
But, apparently my publisher thinks my 40,000 internet readers are a bunch of low-life cheapskates. Because he printed a first edition of only 6,000 copies! Considering (thanks to you), my first book, Waiter, There’s a Horse in My Wine, sold twice that without even being in stores, I thought it was kind of insulting!
So my goal is to blow out the entire first edition in one day! Call me dramatic, I can’t help it.
You know you’re going to buy the book eventually—for yourself, for Christmas presents, to decorate the bathroom—you’d do me an enormous favor by buying it right this minute on Amazon.
Amazon will probably say it’s on back order, but don’t worry, you’ll get it.
If you help me do this today, you’ll be famous. I’ll make sure media-land finds out you’re the best readers on the planet.
Plus, if you don’t order now and everyone else does, then you really will have to wait for the next edition.
You’re know you’re a real connoisseur if
You’re really and truly quite sure if
That grape down in Oz
Which they label Shiraz
Is a clone of Syrah or of Durif
You haven’t ordered yet, have you? That’s OK, I’ll wait. Dum de dum, de doobie doobie doo….
Still here? I bust my thesaurus and all you do is take! But you’re so cute when you do it.
Come on...
It’s easy...
It’ll feel so good….
Give it to me baby….
Order The Cork Jester's Guide to Wine
All right! You did it! You ordered! My hero!
Of course the book is its own reward, but just to show how grateful I am, here are a few more limericks to help you reach your procrastination goals for the day:
If you can’t get your date to undress, go
And buy her a fine Barbaresco
Get the girl sipping
And soon she’ll be stripping
And begging to do it alfrescoIf your winemaker does the Watusi
In a vat full of grapes till they’re juicy
Instead of compliance
With decades of science--
He’s watching too much I Love LucyIn Jerez quite often the berry
Is made into wine known as Sherry
By way of solera
And lots of fresh air a
Young wine becomes old in a hurryOn the Left Bank the grape of Bordeaux
Is a red that you probably know:
Cabernet Sauvignon
But in St Emilion
On the Right Bank
The grape is MerlotSpotting land, Cortez eased up the throttl
Jumped ashore and produced his best bottl
Got the natives all drinkin’
Till Aztec and Incan
And Mayan were all Quetzaquatl
Thanks again! You're the best!
Order The Cork Jester's Guide to Wine
